If you want to know me...........

I always write about my girls and what they are dong. Sometimes I write about passionate issues for me. But one thing I never talk about is my father. Our relationship and how no matter how much I try I can never get him to be the father I need.

The first thing I remember thinking growing up is how the thing I wanted most in the world did not seem possible. I did not have a father. No amount of step fathers or boy friends of my mother's could ever fill that void on my heart. I wanted my Daddy. Then when I was eight I met him. I tried so hard to be close to him. But for some reason he never allowed it. I am not sure if it was his wife who always seemed jealous of me. We had an on and off relationship. He always seems to put me in a different category as his kids with her. I am his daughter but they are his kids. Almost feel like a distant relative. Like I do not really matter to him. This year was the first year that he even invited me over to his house for Christmas. He even gave me a gift for the first time ever. I just am at a loss at this point. We talk on the phone all the time but for some reason it always seems like there are the years over our heads. The years that cannot eve be brought back. I know maybe I am too old to feel like this. I am 25 years old you would think I would be used to it! But no that void is still there and no matter how hard I try I cannot get rid of it. I am still so hurt and so confused about what this man wants from me. I know what I want from him but I am not sure I will ever get it. He is much too concerned about his love life or his toys. He just does not seem to get it. I have no idea how to make him understand.

I guess sometimes in life you do not recieve what you want. Even if that demand  is something as small as just having a dad there for you. Really sad but true. I watch my own daughter go through the same thing. So that is what you need to know about me. If I seem hard on men that are not there for their children that is why. I never want anyone to go through the pain I have. Nobody.