I just woke up one day and decided to make up stuff about my mother. I had nothing better to do. No job or kids to take care of. I needed an abuse story and a reason to not talk to my own mother. I came up with this feelings all on my own. Nothing was ever done to me to get me feeling this way. I mean I was a bad teen that got all good grades and that each teacher I ever had said "she is a joy to have in class" I mean the cops knew me by name in my neighborhood. I went to jail so many times. (whole paragraph is written in a sarcastic tone)
OK now that I am done amusing myself lets get to what really happened.
Getting here was not easy. It took years of pain, abuse and neglect. So much in fact that I am thinking about seeking counseling. Anyway, this took years. You do not wake up one day and hate your own mother. You do not suddenly have dreams of being controlled by her and trapped by her if nothing happened. This is not normal for a person who had a loving parent who never abused them. This is a sign of being abused. I was abused more mentally than physically though.
I do not know when the abuse started. I remember it very clearly as a teen. I had to babysit my brother and sister all the time. My mother was either at the bar or at work. I never got to spend time with my friends. The only activity that interested me at the time was finding someone to love me. That is when I met my ex husband and we stared sneaking around. When I got pregnant I think that is when all hell broke loose. The women wanted to call me names and hit on me. She wanted me to do what she wanted me to do and that was the end of the discussion. She would call me a hoe and put my father down. Putting my father down to me was a regular thing. She would always say I should go live with him. She knew that was not possible. She knew that hurt. That is why she said it.
After I had the baby is got worse. She would threaten to hurt my baby while I was at school. She would call me names, keep the father away from the baby. She would get in my face, yell at me and if that did not get a rise out of me she would hit me. If I tried to settle the argument I would have to basically admit that I am a piece of shit and I am wrong. She once hit me with my infant daughter in my arms. Who does that? You never knew what would set her off. You had to walk on egg shells on her days off work. She even refused to babysit my child so I could go to school. I went days without going to school. I would sit in my room for days on end afraid to come out. Afraid the fight would start all over again.She would continue to come into my room to say something or to yell a put down. If I would ignore her she would hit me or pinch me.
One of her favorite things to do was call up all the relatives and talk loudly about how bad of a child I am. How I said this and that about them. Trying to get them mad at me and on her side. She wanted me to feel alone. Like nobody loved me.
Even when I became an adult this did not change. She would try the same crap. She kicked me out when my husband was in Iraq over an argument I had with my sister. She even tried to feed my cat to her dog. Knowing that if that dog got a hold of the cat that it would kill it.She then kept getting in my face. She was asked to please stop. I pushed her because she would not stop. She then acted like she was going to call the police. Then I seen the nastiest look in her eyes that I have ever seen. With my father standing there she punched me. She punched me not once but three times. My oldest daughter was standing there. She seen the whole thing. After this I voved never to take her shit again. It would just take one big thing for me to be done with the toxic relationship.
That day came when She started the same crap on my sister. She hit her in the face and left a mark. Of course the damn cops would not do anything. When have they ever? I decided then I was done. The way she acts is out of control. I do not want this around my children. Plus I seen that crazy look in her eyes again she wanted to hit me in my face when I was trying to talk to her. If my husband and kids would not have been there to witness it, she would have.
I seen other things too that she did to my sister. She used to make her kneel in front of her and hit her. She would make her bow down like a slave so she could beat on her. I never thought that was right. Who the hell does that?
I could write a book on the things she has said and done. But you get the idea. Even today I have bad dreams about being a child trapped in my mother's home. I have these dreams about once a week.
So when I sound not compassionate or like I hate my mother. Try to understand this did not happen over night. Kids do not wake up hating their parents. Things happen. They are abused. I was abused. I cannot stand my mother for the things she did to me. I really can't. I wish my family would try to understand. I wish they would knowledge some of my mother's wrong doings. Instead of pretending it never happened. That I was just a bad teen. They say what my mother did was right. I wish they would take a moment to think about it. I was not a horrible teen. Matter of fact talking to me about things was very easy. I wanted guidance and love in my life. I wish it came from my mother. But unfortunately that women is incapable of love.
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