Anything Better?

Feeling kinda down today. I think it might be because seems like I am trying to make plans for next month and nothing seems to be falling in place. I find myself stressed and just wanting to cry.

Columbus state still has not processed my financial aid paperwork. I still do not know what books to get. I really am getting frustrated. I plan ahead and this last minute stuff is starting to get me anxious.

Work has been a pain in my ass. I love the ladies I work for. I just hate the disorganization and how I am expected to drop everything and go to a meeting at a drop of a hat. We have not had a staff meeting in three months. Frustrating to have plans and then for them to expect you to change them. It's not going to happen. I am not dropping my life every time they want to act like a "real" business. I feel stuck though and I hate that feeling. The hours work for me and if Randy is on first shift for awhile will continue to be "workable" til he changes. Which is enviable, he will be changing shifts back and forth.

I also found out today that Randy will start his new job the 20th. Right before the kids start school. I am fine with that. I am actually excited. We are testing things out to see if we can afford for me to focus on school and find a better job. I am unhappy. I should not have to be unhappy. I would never just jump and quit. That would make no sense and would put my family in a bad position which is something I would never ever do. So I will be working, going to school and being a mom for awhile. I am fine with that as long as I do not feel stuck. I want options. Will I have them? No idea. Only time will tell.

Today was also the first day of no direct tv. Randy and I decided it's an expense we do not need. Eventually when we can afford it, I plan on buying a smart tv so we can watch netflixs, hulu and get online from our tv. Stay tuned. The Channell household will have a new tv soon and join the year 2012.

Thanks blog! I am feeling better. Just getting my feelings out has always been the best therapy. I always follow up with my husband and I get out of this darkness every time. Writing, talking and I am going to be honest, sex has always been a great stress reliever for me. I will be back to feeling like me by the end of the day. I forgot music. I can turn it on and instantly be in a good mood. Not to mention those smiling faces that belong to my children. I will be fine!! I just have to de-stress and get refocused.

Why prayer does not work. 10 really good reasons.

As you know I am an atheist. I do not believe in any gods, goddesses, space aliens, magic unicorns, flying spaghetti monsters, or any other imaginary beings. With that said, do not "pray" for me. Not only do I not believe in prayer, I do not believe in wasting time talking to myself. 

Here's Why
1. Why would an all powerful "god" change his plan just for you?
2. The whole if you are really good god will do this, just makes me think of someone trying to control the masses. It's kind of like, how you bribe your kids to be good.
3. In Matthew 17:20 Jesus says: For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

Look at the above quote and tell me that makes any type of sense? What about cancer patients that have prayed and died? What did they do wrong to make god want to take them. Don't tell me it's all a part of his master plan because this all perfect god does not have a perfect plan. If he did there would be no hunger, no Aids, no disease, and no other sufferings that this world experiences everyday. What god would make his own creations suffer? 

4.There is no scientific Evidence of god or that prayer works. If this incredible phenomenon worked don't you think everyone would believe? I mean all you have to do is have faith and someone grants your wishes. Amazing.

5. Why is your god, better than the gods of the past? People have believed in gods as long as humanity has existed. Yet there is no evidence any of these gods having ever existed. Not only that, but they have "talked" to their gods and have asked things. Once again why is one god better than another? Which one is the "true" god? How do we know that another religion does not have it right?

6. Which god should you pray to? I mean there are so many. Yet another question with a different answer depending on who you speak to.

7. Another problem I have with prayer is a friend of mine actually thinks government assistance is the act of god. Really? She got a whole new stove, fridge, oven for nothing. No it was not god honey, it was everyone around you who pays taxes that paid for stuff you really do not need. Yeah I said it she screwed the system. She has no kids, and she had perfectly good items already in her home. She played the income card and here comes her free stuff. That was not god.That was my tax dollars at work. Prayer was not at work here, she applied for the program, got accepted and here comes the free stuff! No god involved. I know god made everyone blah blah blah so therefore he was involved. Really? Prove it! If you cannot prove it then it did not happen. So thank the government. Not some imaginary being.

8. So if god made me, why do I have to apologize for the way he made me? I mean I like shell fish and mixed blend clothing. I like going to the bathroom and being alive ( original sin). I also love pork. Especially grilled and seasoned. I also really enjoyed all the premarital sex I have had.( I like to test drive things before I buy, this avoids buyer remorse). Did you know being fat is a sin? Yes it is. Write me down for that one.

I am the way I am. I am not going to apologize to someone who has never been proven and has never showed himself to me. Sorry. I do not believe things on just pure faith.

9. Science works and has been proven. Do you go to a preacher when you have a gun shot? Why not? because a doctor has the tools of an education and science to cure you. God is not going to remove the bullet from your body. You cannot just have a preacher pray over you then magically the bullet is gone. Everyone knows the end result if you do that. Death. That proves even christians do not have complete faith.


10. Wishful thinking is a wonderful thing. It's like a drug. Everyone wants good to happen. Everyone wishes for peace and happiness. It's easy to pray when you are at rock bottom and think "prayer worked" when you are suddenly coming back up from a hard time. It's easier to have someone else take responsibility (god) then take the responsibility yourself. It's also easier to believe in something then not to believe in anything. It comforting, in a world of many unknowns. But it is realistic? Really? Think about it. Do you believe in prayer because you actually believe or is it just easy? Do you believe because someone else taught you to believe?

This is why I believe prayer does not work. It's too easy to dismiss science and you can explain it anyway you want and it's just accepted.

Breastfeeding Toddler......

All those crazy breastfeeding positions I find myself in through out the day. Sometimes he stands, sometimes he is upside down, sometimes he is sitting straight up. I love it. I love feeding my little man past a year.

I know there is a backlash to breastfeeding a toddler. People are going to tell me stories about how their dad was breastfed til he was 20 and how clingy it can make a baby. Blah Blah Blah. In one ear and out the other! I will feed him til him and I are ready to give it up. He will not be twenty but I have no deadline or expiration date for our relationship. Why would I do that to him? It does not hurt it. It has nothing but benefits. I am sorry some people may have a problem with it. Sorry it's their problem not mine. I am glad we have made it this far and I hope we continue for awhile longer.

With all of that said I have some things urking me at the moment. 

Here I go again on my soap box,

I do not get this why do people feel the need to complain every time a breastfeeding article or study comes out . Breast is Best, it's a fact. Nobody is ever trying to say your kids is stupid or sickly because you did not breastfeed. They are showing the risks involved in not breastfeeding. I am sorry for those that feel so bad that they must have a pity party every time something new comes out. I think you may want to get an appointment with a health professional if you feel the need to justify your actions every time you see something.

I know my daughter does not have normal health or a normal iq because of my decisions. Without breastfeeding her she did not get the fats that are required for normal brain development (these fats cannot be found in formula). But I did nurture her and that is another factor in child brain development. Her brain development could be better and I know that and I admit it. I made a mistake and I corrected it. I do not justify it.

If your child turned out fine. Great! But your child could have turned out better. Health wise and beyond. If you cannot be women enough to say I did this and it was not the "best" I could give my child, then you really have some growing up to do. Everyone makes mistakes. We admit them and we learn from them.

Lake Erie Trip

I love Lake Erie. It's so beautiful looking at the boats swaying in the horizon, and the how the lake and the sky  touch each other. The perfect blends of two different shades of blue. The sky and the water.

My family and I went to Jefferson, Ohio to ride A C and J railroad. My husband's coworker had free tickets and Avanelle loves trains. We figured it is the perfect trip. It just so happened to be "Magic Weekend", so we also got a free magic show on the train for the kids. While the magic was what I would call cheezy, the kids loved it. All three got a little present on the train. The girls got a magic trick (which broke two minutes later) and Corbin got a hat he would not keep on unless I was feeding him popcorn.We really enjoyed the hour and a half ride. I seen a beautiful deer jumping in the field as we were riding by. The kids missed it and so did my camera. 

We then went to Fairport Light House. We have been there before but it was about two years ago. Tina recently has started to be interested in ghost stories. I guess Fairport is haunted by a ghost cat. We did not witness the presence of this ghost cat but it was fun for Tina to see the video they had playing about it in the museum.

Time just slipped away and the kids had plans on Sunday with Grandpa Larry so we had to cut our beach visit so much shorter then I wanted. but the little time we spent there was beautiful. Corbin loved the water and it was perfectly shallow for the girls. What a great trip this was for my family. Hopefully, there are more to come as we become more sucessful money wise and career wise.

The inconvience of having a child.......

Why have a child if it is so inconvenience to do what is best for them? I am so sick and tired of hearing about sleep training, and expecting an infant to sleep all night at the age of three months. (recently seen a segment on Live with Kelly that urked me) Why have a child if you do not want the responsibility of waking up with them and being a parent?

Babies do not need schedules til they are past a year. You should feed your child on demand to keep them hydrated and happy. Not all babies sleep all night early on. Studies have shown that having a child "cry it out" is harmful to the brain (before one mind you). Babies cry for a reason. You feel bad for a reason. We are designed to meet our babies needs.

I do not care what grandma said, you cannot spoil a child by caring for them. Hold your child, love your child! Your child is not an inconvenience but a part of your family.

Another thing that urks me, is the whole my baby is trying to manipulate me. Are you serious? Babies do not have the brain capacity to manipulate you til they are past a year.

Another one of my pet peeves, is the whole breastfeeding debate. Why have a child if you are not willing to learn about feeding them the very best? I understand there are circumstances that make it so women cannot breastfeed but in this society we make it too easy to give up. If you stay at home anyway while hubby works the least you can do is breastfeed. Especially if you are having tax payers pay for your formula through wic. No wonder our economy is suffering. We could save millions a year on just educating women on breastfeeding. ( no offense to those that use formula or wic, just they need to make cuts and formula would be the best one)

Wic is cutting their peer consulting funding when in reality I think they should cut their formula funding. I think insurance should be responsible for formula if there is a medical need. Wic should be a health program from low income and under educated people.

Wic gives brand name formula when they could save millions on giving either no formula or off brand formula. I wish they would investigate this and make changes.

Anyway off my soap box.......


Education is power and we owe it to our children to educate yourselves on how to be a good parent. I will never stop reading and educating myself. My goal is to succeed where my parents failed. I am not perfect, but I try to be the best I can be everyday. Somedays I loose it. I am human. I never treat my kids like an inconvenience. In reality I am going to miss them someday when they are all grown up. I cherish everyday.

What is everything? This is...............

Randy got the job!!!!!!!!

I knew it , I knew it, I knew it ( picture me jumping up and down). Randy got the job!!! I am so proud of him. So here we go what's next? I am actually not sure. We are still playing things by ear. I hope when he gets home today we have more information about the job. I personally do not know what I want. I am not happy at my job but one income scares me greatly. It does Randy too. So right now I am not sure what we are going to do. My list of concerns are still there. His are too. What's next? Stay tuned. Anything is possible. Until then look at the message above. Randy Channell rocks and I treasure the day I met him. He is an incredible man and I hope to be worthy of him someday.

Sniff Sniff my little girl has her first zit!

My little girl is growing up! I noticed she has gotten her first pimple on her nose. Like the mad mom I am I made her let me take a picture of it. Then I took her out and we got some zit killing stuff.

I wonder how much longer I have til this girl has her period. I am guessing a year or less. She is filling out and she even has a little figure. I look at her and I cannot believe it. Makes me sad. But look at that beautiful face! I love her and I am super proud of her

Interview today.........

It was a long night with Mr. Corbin. He wanted to sleep with me but wanted to toss and turn. I could not sleep hardly at all. We actually ended up waking right before Randy left for work. I got to wish him good luck and give him a good luck kiss.

Later, I heard from him and he is confident that the interview went well. He seemed happy and did both interviews. He had a bunch of recommendations and his resume thanks to his sister was flawless. If he does not get in I will be completely shocked. You will have to pick me up off the floor. If they do not pick Randy for one of their 11 spots then they are crazy.

My husband is a hard worker. He has been with whirlpool for over 10 years now. Randy goes above and beyond his job. There are so many people that respect him and like him at work. I think staying with one job as long as he had says, he is committed and reliable. I am so proud of him. I really did marry well. I can depend on him to make good money and keep it flowing lol.

He will start this apprenticeship program at 22.30 an hour. Every six months he will get a raise. He will have to work a bunch of overtime but I know it's what he wants so I will do everything to make it work. I think it will be good for us both to be moving forward with our lives at the same time. I hope someday I make him proud too.

This is the week of change!

This week is Randy's interview for an easier life for us. This week is going to make or break us. I have butterflies in my stomach for Randy. I know he will do great but I can't help being nervous and scared about what this means for our family.

I am not sure if we are on the same page. I really do not think Randy understands that I really want to focus on school work and the kids. I really do not want a job in the equation if I can help it. I am taking two very demanding classes next quarter. I need the time and with a job I am not sure if that would be possible. The more I think the more I love the idea of being at home doing homework and raising our kids. I want to do something I like. Not do some dead end job and put up with the same bs. I do not think he wants that. He wants me to have a job. I would love to work but I also would love to have a degree. I am almost 30 years old. He has more college time in then I do. I need some college time too. I have helped him do what he wants to do. I hope he will be willing to help me.

I have tried to open up the conversation but I think he is dead set on me just finding another job. He is going to have to catch up because while I am open to conversation, I also have the right to do what I want. I would like him to agree, but at the same time I am going to be the one doing everything. I hope he gets that. I just hope soon we can make plans and get on the same page. I want us to be on the same page. Worries me when we are not completely there. Knowing Randy and I, I am making a bigger deal out of this then it really is. He will go with whatever makes me happy. I just don't feel like I communicated clearly what I want.

Friday the 13th

Today is Friday the 13th be scared be very very scared. 

Nothing is going right for me. My pay was only half, Corbin woke me up 100 times, I have bills to pay, and barely any money. I am going to have freaking a million late fees. 

Is today over yet? 

Any good news?

What am I going to do? I have to pay my house payment by the 16th. I do not think my pay will get fixed til next time. That will be past the date. I have to get gas and groceries. Of course somehow this pay error will be my fault. Nobody ever takes responsibility for their errors. Makes me so mad!

Anyway, I was thinking and thinking and thinking some more. If everything works out. Meaning my financial aid, Randy gets his job, and I have a refund from financial aid. I think I have a plan. The plan is I am going to quit my dead end job. Take the money I have left over get my books and maybe go to school online for my breastfeeding counselor certificate along with my other two classes from Columbus State. I am not sure what Randy thinks because he really did not reply when I told him. I hope he agrees and tries me make me feel less guilty about quitting. Like I said before I really don't want to. But with him working an off shift I will be forced to. Maybe I will get a little part-time job. I do not know that part yet. I just know I am not happy. Quitting makes me feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like I can do anything and I am less scared. I am more focused and even excited about the possible changes.

Happy Fourth of July...Late!

On the fourth of July we had a crazy storm. The fireworks got cancelled. Usually, my town will do a make up day. Not this year. Instead we had to travel to a different town to see them. Really annoying! Anyway, We went and we seen the fireworks. My girls loved it and so did Corbin. He kept clapping and seemed very happy about the bright lights and the big booms.

Due to the weather being so hot and so rainy we still have not done any of our sparklers. I think we may do those tomorrow night.

My Worst Nightmare!

I always hated the whole idea of being a stay at home mom. Devoting every second to cleaning and children. I love having a job and being away for a bit with "grown ups".

I think that may "have to" come to an end for me. It was never in my plan. It was never anything I wanted. 

I always wanted to make sure I had a job for security, independence, self worth and feeling needed.

Randy is hopefully starting a very intense Apprenticeship  program. It's going to mean more money and more overtime. Working weekends and holidays. Working all the time for the next five years.

This is going to be like nothing our marriage has ever experienced. We are going to be tested like we have never been tested before. This scares me. 


My concerns are something I feel the need at this very moment to get down on paper or internet. These are thoughts I need written down so I can make a decision. Hopefully a decision that is based on my kids, husband and my needs. 


List of my concerns:
1. School for kids, getting them to and from
2. Babysitting- how will my mil do with the change of shift
3. I don't like that every other weekend my kids will be at a babysitters
4. Babysitter and health problems. Randy cannot call off
5. School work being done at Grandmas
6. Enough sleep for children
7. My school work, Can I be a single mom (most of the time) and keep up? 
8. Time with my hubby Will work interfere with us time? Will my job just be a thorn in our side?
9. I am personally not happy at my job
10. I do not want to quit my job scares me
11. Activities besides being a mom. 
12. Time with kids 
13. Having one parent absent a bunch means one needs to be present. 
14. Scare (did I say that already? )


To sum up this whole messy list of mine, I have to say that no matter what I choose to do I know Randy will do everything to support me and make it work. I trust that. 


In the end my kids comes first. End of story. I have to do what is right for them.

Make it stop........

OMG!! In the words of my middle child Ava. I do not know if I can take anymore whining from that whiny little boy Corbin. I understand he is teething. But I just want to tear my ears off. He cries and cries. I just want to run away from home! I tried giving him cold watermelon, holding him til my arms felt like they were going to fall off, and I have tried everything else that I am much to tired to list.

Speaking of tired, (drained, worn out, fatigued, popped, wiped out, ready to drop, and many other words that the thesaurus lists) That boy needs to sleep! I am so tired of feeding him at 4 am. I am tired of the coughing ( his sign he is hungry). I am tired of holding him and him moving away from me. I do not sleep WELL!

 So I guess all I can say is..........