Standarized Tests and Education in general

I don't like to brag but since this is my blog I will. My daughters are smart. Very smart. 

Tina is excelling in third grade. Doing so well. She reminds me so much of myself as a child. She loves to read and does it so well. She reads her goosebumps books in one day. Just as I did as a child. She teaches me things sometimes. The stuff that girl comes up with is just mind blowing. She is going to be the one to watch. 

Avanelle is just picking up everything. She plays hang man with her sister. They read together and she is just about as ready for Kindergarten as any child can be. She is only three!!! Matter of fact she just turned three in December. She is coloring in lines already neatly. She knows all her letters. I almost have her counting to 100. I think she almost gets the concept of how the numbers sill go 1,2, 3 but in the 30s or in the 40s. Once you get that it is usually easy from there. I am so proud of her. I am hoping maybe they might just let her go to Kindergarten early. I mean she is ready. Her birthday is late in the year though so I do not know. I know one thing she will not be able to go to preschool. From what I hear you have to be below average to go to Marion City School preschool. I am not sure though. I am still going to check into it when the time comes. If not well it's not a big deal. Tina never went to preschool and she is doing great in school. 

In April and May. Tina is going to be taking the third grade achievement test. She has expressed being nervous about this test. I told her she will do fine. Maybe she should practice what she is worried about to ease her mind. I have went on the Ohio website and looked at some sample questions. I hope that helps ease her little mind. Sad that a child has to worry about a test. I never did agree with standardized tests.

Minority in everything?

Nothing wrong with being a minority. I actually find that most of the things I am a minority in are issues that I just so happen to be educated about. I am not the type of person who just "follows the herd". I do not mind going against the grain. It makes me, well me! I would not have it any other way. 

There are many parenting issues for which I am a minority in. I am an anti spanker. Nope I do no spank my kids. I use non violent ways of teaching them what needs taught. For me it works out great. I get looks and comments all the time. But I am happy the way I parent and I am glad I have done my research and I know what is best. I am also anti circumcision. My son is going to be intact. Why? Well I have done my research and there is not one good reason to do it. There is no medical evidences that it has any medical benefits. My son does not need "fixed" down there. He was born perfect. Nothing in the world needs changed about him. Especially not his penis. I think people that do it for the reason "because my husband is" are really ignorant people. More than likely your husband is circumcised for the same reason. Just because his parents made that decision does not make it the right one. Certainly, your parents are human and just continued to follow the rest of the "herd' instead of speaking for themselves. Lastly, I am all about my children picking their own path in life. I am not going to send my children to any religious services. I think they need to decide how they feel about how they came on this earth. I have no intentions of them following my faith or lack of. I want them to think about it and look deep in their hearts for the answer. I want them to be smarter than I believe blank because Mommy does. My path is not for everyone. Parenting is definitely a minority topic for me. I hardly ever agree with people. This makes it hard for me to make friends. But I am going to be me. That is the only person I know how to be.

I am also a minority in politics. I am a liberal democrat living in a conservative city. Nobody agrees with me besides my husband on issues. I believe in freedom. Freedom to choose. Freedom to be married if you are homosexual. Also freedom from religion. Government should not be involved in religion. They should be separate. Why? Well because not everyone in this country believes the same way. How is is fair to tell or say everyone in this country are Christians? When in fact there are so many other beliefs? It's not. It should not happen. I think faith is something that belongs in the home in private. Not in our schools and not out in public. Religion is a personal decision between your family and "your god" ( assuming your religion includes one). So yes once again a minority opinion. But an educated one.


So yes I am a minority through and through. There probably is not a topic out there where I agree with the masses. I find most people are ignorant. Most people have no idea what they hell they are talking about. They just spread around what they have heard. Never taking the time to investigate or read on a topic. I refuse to be that way. I must research a topic before having an opinion. I do not take a majority opinion without thinking. My decisions are never based on he or she did it so that means it's right for me. My decisions and opinions are based on research and careful thinking. So I will take the title minority if it means I will be educated. I would rather be educated then to talk about something I know nothing about. That would make me ignorant and that is one thing I wish to never be. I refuse to be a sheep. Sheep are dumb creatures. I refuse to be dumb.

Here we go again.......... Vent!

I do not ask for much. I only ask for my ex to pay for the child that he brought into this world. I ask for my child support to be paid on time, to help with extra activities in school, and on occasion to help with school clothing. To me child support is the reimbursement of funds( the state sees it this way also)  I have already paid out for her. For instance food, shelter, utilities, and most of the costs for clothing. I do not think that is asking for too much. Especially considering she never stays with him, he never sees her but once a year. I have her 24/7. In fact, a man who is not her bio father is providing most of her basic needs. He pays for her insurance. Jeff is suppose to have insurance but it is hard to use it when I do not even have a card. 

I think if your relationship with your child is non existence the least you can do is pay for her. I mean how hard is sending a check? Randy and I are doing all the raising and the everyday parenting. He cannot even pick up the phone and call her once a week. While Randy and I are busting our asses working and taking care of her everyday. He can decide to switch jobs and stop paying. He always picks a great time to do this too. So that it hurts us and our family financially. He has no other children to care for. He has no other responsibilities but working. I have almost three children. I have more to worry about than just Christina. You would think he would plan ahead. I have to do that. I cannot just switch jobs and not support my child. I think it is bullshit that men can walk away and not support their child!!! They have to be over a year behind before anything is done!! 

The thing that gets me, is the fact that he was almost caught up from the last time he did this shit. Why would you put yourself in the hole yet again? I can answer that question easy. Because he does not care. Because nothing is ever done about it.

After a half an hour of trying to find my paper work I called my caseworker. She has no idea why he is not paying. No notice was given to her about anything. Once again Jeff lied. Why? Who knows. I am not going to say anything to him about it. He has ignored my texts up to this point. Just really sucks. I was saving that money for maternity leave so our daughter was protected financially while I am not able to work. Plans ruined so now I must re write the plan. Oh well that is life. Frustrating but he has always been this way. I just have to learn to accept it. 

Moving on........

Drop it and move on. That is what I am doing. I am going to take my family and move toward our happy future. In two months we are going to have a new little one. He does not need to come into my life when I am all emotional. He deserves better than that. He needs to come into my life with happiness all around him. I intend on doing that. My girls and him are more important to me than anything! The crap that is in my past I need to find a way to let it stay there. You only get to make one happy childhood for your children. You cannot go back and make it happy. If they see mom not there for them and depressed , they will not be happy. I do not want that for any of my children.

So today I put it in a box and I bury it. I bury so far down that nothing can bring it up again. I take my heart and I find the courage to forgive. Not for her but for me. I forgive her because she does not know any better. I forgive her so I can let it go. I forgive her but I do not want her in my life. Mainly because she does not see the problem. I have told her and that is all I can do. I am cutting out all the infection. I am making myself whole. They only person that can make me happy is me. I choose to be happy!!! I choose to wake up and be thankful for what I do have. Not sad because of what I don't. All in all I am a very lucky person. I have a husband that adores me. two beautiful girls and a few family members that love me for me. That is all I need. I am going to surround myself with positive things. I am but a Phoenix out of the ashes. I have been through it all. No idea where I find the strenuous but I always have it. I always come out of my funk.

Because feeling this way is so easy..... I just woke up one day............

I just woke up one day and decided to make up stuff about my mother. I had nothing better to do. No job or kids to take care of. I needed an abuse story and a reason to not talk to my own mother. I came up with this feelings all on my own. Nothing was ever done to me to get me feeling this way. I mean I was a bad teen that got all good grades and that each teacher I ever had said "she is a joy to have in class" I mean the cops knew me by name in my neighborhood. I went to jail so many times. (whole paragraph is written in a sarcastic tone)

OK now that I am done amusing myself lets get to what really happened.

Getting here was not easy. It took years of pain, abuse and neglect. So much in fact that I am thinking about seeking counseling. Anyway, this took years. You do not wake up one day and hate your own mother. You do not suddenly have dreams of being controlled by her and trapped by her if nothing happened. This is not normal for a person who had a loving parent who never abused them. This is a sign of being abused. I was abused more mentally than physically though. 

I do not know when the abuse started. I remember it very clearly as a teen. I had to babysit my brother and sister all the time. My mother was either at the bar or at work. I never got to spend time with my friends. The only activity that interested me at the time was finding someone to love me. That is when I met my ex husband and we stared sneaking around. When I got pregnant I think that is when all hell broke loose. The women wanted to call me names and hit on me. She wanted me to do what she wanted me to do and that was the end of the discussion. She would call me a hoe and put my father down. Putting my father down to me was a regular thing. She would always say I should go live with him. She knew that was not possible. She knew that hurt. That is why she said it.

After I had the baby is got worse. She would threaten to hurt my baby while I was at school. She would call me names, keep the father away from the baby. She would get in my face, yell at me and if that did not get a rise out of me she would hit me. If I tried to settle the argument I would have to basically admit that I am a piece of shit and I am wrong. She once hit me with my infant daughter in my arms. Who does that? You never knew what would set her off. You had to walk on egg shells on her days off work. She even refused to babysit my child so I could go to school. I went days without going to school. I would sit in my room for days on end afraid to come out. Afraid the fight would start all over again.She would continue to come into my room to say something or to yell a put down. If I would ignore her she would hit me or pinch me.


One of her favorite things to do was call up all the relatives and talk loudly about how bad of a child I am. How I said this and that about them. Trying to get them mad at me and on her side. She wanted me to feel alone. Like nobody loved me.

Even when I became an adult this did not change. She would try the same crap. She kicked me out when my husband was in Iraq over an argument I had with my sister. She even tried to feed my cat to her dog. Knowing that if that dog got a hold of the cat that it would kill it.She then kept getting in my face. She was asked to please stop. I pushed her because she would not stop. She then acted like she was going to call the police. Then I seen the nastiest look in her eyes that I have ever seen. With my father standing there she punched me. She punched me not once but three times. My oldest daughter was standing there. She seen the whole thing. After this I voved never to take her shit again. It would just take one big thing for me to be done with the toxic relationship. 

That day came when She started the same crap on my sister. She hit her in the face and left a mark. Of course the damn cops would not do anything. When have they ever? I decided then I was done. The way she acts is out of control. I do not want this around my children. Plus I seen that crazy look in her eyes again she wanted to hit me in my face when I was trying to talk to her. If my husband and kids would not have been there to witness it, she would have.

I seen other things too that she did to my sister. She used to make her kneel in front of her and hit her. She would make her bow down like a slave so she could beat on her. I never thought that was right. Who the hell does that? 

I could write a book on the things she has said and done. But you get the idea. Even today I have bad dreams about being a child trapped in my mother's home. I have these dreams about once a week. 

So when I sound not compassionate or like I hate my mother. Try to understand this did not happen over night. Kids do not wake up hating their parents. Things happen. They are abused. I was abused. I cannot stand my mother for the things she did to me. I really can't. I wish my family would try to understand. I wish they would knowledge some of my mother's wrong doings. Instead of pretending it never happened. That I was just a bad teen. They say what my mother did was right. I wish they would take a moment to think about it. I was not a horrible teen. Matter of fact talking to me about things was very easy. I wanted guidance and love in my life. I wish it came from my mother. But unfortunately that women is incapable of love.

Our Caterpillars are now in their chrysalises!!

Today it happened! The caterpillars are now in their chrysalises! I unfortunately dropped one. I am pretty upset about it. I hope it still lives to be a butterfly. Christina was the one who discovered the chrysalises. She was so excited. I was too and we got busy making our own chrysalises out of toilet paper rolls. We took tissue paper and covered them. Then we are going to make butterflies to go inside of them. We are so excited to get to see how nature works. I hope we can do this one more time this year I am having way too much fun. We delayed our trip to see the butterflies til the weather is warmer. We want to see them release some. The same thing we will hopefully be doing in 7 to ten days.I am hoping the weather is nice. But if not I will feed them sugar water until I can release them or til they die. Butterflies have a very short life. They only live for 2 to 4 weeks. I will have to buy some flowers and put sugar water on them to keep them alive. Might be alot of work. Oh well it is worth it.

Really? You are going to talk about me?

I love how people in my family want to talk bad about me. I am the black sheep because I do not drink, do drugs or have a criminal record. I do not allow my children around people like that. That makes me a bad person in their eyes. 

Last night, I guess my mother and grandmother got drunk at the bar. Nothing new there. I love them but they both have a horrible drinking problem. Anyway, my mother fell and busted her head open. I know this will sound horrible to someone who has not been abused. I know I will come off cold hearted. Unless you have been physically and emotionally abused by your own mother you will not get what I am about to say. Karma finally worked! She has done nothing all week but put my sister down. Call her a bad mom. Threaten to take away her baby. Over my sister asking her for a ride. She flips out over nothing!I mean it does not take anything to set her off. She is always right and always wants to fight. I do not know what is wrong with her I just know that I cannot do it anymore. She has beat me down so much that I no longer can take her abuse for the sake of a relationship.

My sister did not receive this information until 3 am. My uncle Joey told her finally. She was very upset. Even though she is being hurt by her all the time, my sister still has the strength to try being a daughter to her. That is fine. That is her decision. Everyone has to get where I am on their own. 

Joey and my sister proceed to get into it. Somehow during the course of their argument my name is brought up. I am the black sheep of the family that has disowned my wonderful caring family.( rolls eyes) He says how she is just like me. Ungrateful and needs to learn how to treat her mother. Are you kidding me? I need to learn how to treat my mother? What about her knowing how to treat her children? Parents do not punch their child in the face,try to run them over with a car, call them names, lie to the police about them running away ( in reality I was thrown out), and everything else she has done to hurt me. She has done all of this in the attempt to control my life. Which I would not allow. So I am a bad daughter. Try her being a bad parent.

Anyway who is he to talk? Seriously, the man is a walking public service announcement. Every time I tell my kids not to do drugs I use him as an example. As I recall his poor children grew up with nothing. Their father would not work and barely kept a roof over their heads. Drugs always came before his children. He beat their mother in front of them and he wants to talk about me? He has been in jail more times then I can count! Mostly for drugs and domestic violence. Once he had all the utilities off in his house with three kids living there in the middle of winter! Yeah Joey you are a class act! You are one hell of a man! 

All I can say is fuck you! I am been there for my children everyday of their lives. My children have never went without for me to do drugs! I have never had my children come visit me in jail. I have job and so does my husband. Sure we are not perfect but they always come first!! You do not even have a pot to piss in! You live with random people and do construction work because you cannot pass a piss test to get a real job. You have no right to talk about me. My name should never even cross your lips! 

I would however like to say thanks Joey. Thanks for giving my sister a very nice compliment! I am a good mother and wife. I take care of my family. I graduated from high school on time after a very hard pregnancy. I refuse to allow people to abuse me. I keep my kids away from all the crazy people with in our family that does drugs, and abuses alcohol. I want better for my family. Guess what? My sister is alot like me. She wants the same things for her daughter! I think that is a good thing. I am proud of her. I hope she does grow up to be just like me. To stand up against a mother who abuses her children. Who makes them feel like shit and has to control their lives.I do not want my kids to see any of that. I do not want them to think that behavior is normal. So if that makes me a bad person, well so be it!!! I wonder what the hell that makes you? Someone who steals, does drugs, does not take care of his children, uses people, scams people and has been in jail more times than I can count? Makes you a piece of fucking white trash. They type I wipe my shitty feet on! 

So Joey before you go on talking about me, take a look in the mirror. Yeah your teeth are are messed up from doing crack. I look in the mirror and I see a productive member of society. Someone who is a great mother and wife. Too bad when you look in there you do not see anything but the rough life you have gave yourself. No I am not perfect but at least I am productive. I am something my children can be proud of. Drugs and jail are your only accomplishment. Way to go!

As for my mother, that is none of your business. You were not raised by her. You have no idea how she has hurt me. You have no idea how I needed to break away from her for my health. We had a toxic relationship. We never were close. It was always her way or the highway. I choose the high way and I am better for it. I love how you bring her up when you have always treated your mother like trash. Stole off her and disrespected her your whole life. I have never done any of that to my mother. I just do not deal with her emotional and mental abuse anymore. Nor do I put up with her doing it to my sister. If that once again makes me a bad person then so be it!!!!! My family is my life and they will continue to be! Maybe you need to clean your own closet out before cleaning mine. Yours is filthy and reeks!

Drama Saturday......... yeah my little 9 year old drama queen is at it again

Anyone want a nine year old that is a drama queen? I am thinking about giving her away. I cannot believe how much a scrap and bruise hurt her. She screamed and was shaking. I thought well maybe she is in shock because she has cracked something. So I take her to Er and she just is bruised. They took an x-ray and everything. Now she is running around the house like nothing happened. I could beat that child! I know the bill is going to be crazy! But at least I know she is ok and if that is the price to pay I will gladly pay it.

On a whole different subject I took the kids to the park finally! My legs have been killing me and I have been avoiding doing it.  I know that sounds bad but I have been in pain. Anyway we had a great time. Tina and Randy played catch. Ava found like five boys to play with. She is a little heart breaker already. We ate a sub for dinner there and then we just played til it got cold. I really enjoyed seeing the smiles on my kids faces. I cannot wait til Corbin can play with his sisters.Having three kids is going to be a blast. I seriously cannot wait. Having three little ones running around and dong their different things. I love all my children and I cannot wait til my family is complete. Two girls and a boy is my ideal family. I will have it in three months. I am sure I will so many adventures to write about. If Corbin is anything like his father lots of stitches are in our future. So much to look forward to.

St Patricks Day and Visting Raelyn

Had so much fun yesterday. Ava and I did art projects, went for a walk and had a great time. Later that night my sister needed me. So I went and got her. Randy loved seeing his niece. I loved seeing her too. Christina and Ava really loved singing her to sleep.They both are going to be great big sisters. I am getting so excited. I hope that our park plans work out today. I know yesterday Kisten needed support and love so we had to be there for her. But my girls need to enjoy the nice weather. I think we may walk up to the school after dinner. No idea what we are doing this weekend. We will have to see.

I hope things get better for Kisten.My mother is sure making it hard. I dare her to try to take Raelyn from my sister there are so many witnesses it would blow her out of the water.I really cannot stand that women. She is not my mother as far as I am concerned. They things she does are just morally wrong. You do not treat your child like that. I hope the women receives helps someday. Until then she cannot see her grandchildren. I do not want my children in that environment.

Catapillars and Butterfly project

Last week we received our caterpillars. We started watching them. We discovered not only were they very shy and hardly moved but they were shedding their skin already. Today when we looked at them we noticed that they are growing at a very good rate. Ava and I started doing caterpillar art projects and learning about the life cycle. She is really having a great time learning about those little creatures. Christina has already done something similar in school so I am not concentrating on her doing as many projects. She can do some if she wants but with her going to school I do not see her having much time. I have many more activities up my sleeve before we totally finish. I hope to make a book with Ava on the life cycle. I hope to make some different types of butterflies and talk about what they eat. I also hope to make a cocoon with her. I think this is the perfect project to start out our spring. At the end of our project or maybe before then I want to take the girls to Franklin Conservatory to see the butterflies. I am hoping to do that this weekend. But you know things don't always go as planned. So we will see.

Every marriage goes thorough their ups and downs.

Life takes over at times. Your marriage romance and intimacy slows down. This has been happening to Randy and I. I was sick for over three months with my pregnancy. I was constantly getting sick or having to poke myself with a needle in my belly to give myself zofran. Our love life suffered alot during this time. But there are other ways that we showed each other that we love each other. Randy would care for the house when I couldn't. He would bring me and buy me whatever I thought I may be able to keep down. He was just an amazing husband. Now I am going through the aches and pains of being almost in my third trimester. He is being understanding. We cuddle and bond with our baby together. We are finding that we are stronger than ever! We may be having our third child but we love each other more now then I think ever before. Nothing has ever separated us. Even when things get tough, we hold on. Funny how intimacy just gets better and more intense with time. I think the more we go through together the more connected we feel to each other. I still miss him and still smile when I think of him. I have never been this happy with anyone I have ever been with. He takes me to places emotionally that I have never been.

So when I get discourged or feel slightly disconnected, I know that all I have to do is take some time and all those feelings go away. After all, we are busy people. We cannot spend every waking moment together. We both work and have two kids. I am 6 months pregnant with our third child. That is a job in it's self. I am very very lucky to have a husband that I connect with on every level. We have the same beliefs, values, goals, and we are best friends. Sometimes I feel as though the world has gone crazy. I just look in my arms and see there is one person who feels the same exact way as me. He is the only person I know understands me. He is the only person I know that sees life the way I do.

So when I feel misunderstood or just down right angry with how stupid people are. I have my husband right next to me feeling the same way. I am very very lucky to have him. He is my spud. My best friend.  Our marriage is untouchable. Nobody is able to cause problems with us or make us argue because was are on the same page at all times. Funny how people have tried and failed. We never argue. Because we know what is important. Our family comes first. Our life together comes first. If we keep that in our heart, there is nothing to argue about. Nothing is more important than our family. Nothing is worth fighting for or over if it is at the expense of our life together. I think that is the way you have to look at things to make things work. With divorce rate higher than ever, you have to decide what is important. Being right is not important. I will be wrong every day if it means I will have Randy by my side. Nothing is worth loosing him over. I would rather die then to even hurt his feelings. That is what true love is. That is the mind set to make things work. I know my marriage has many many more years of joy, happiness, sadness and rough roads. We can get through anything together! Bring it on!

Ava is going to be a great big sister!!

When I had Avanelle, Christina had a hard time. After six years of being the only child she was very jealous of Avanelle. That ended quickly and she became a very good big sister. I was so afraid this might be the case with Avanelle. But I never took in consideration she has never been an only child. Yesterday she got to practice her big sister skills. She did so well with her new cousin Raelyn. I was so happy. She held her and was very gentle. I think everything is going to be fine. Nice to have a practice baby to practice on. She watched me hold her and feed her. She even fed her a little. I was so proud of her! 

Later that night Tina decided she wanted to read Avanelle a bedtime story. Randy or I usually do. Tina loves her little sister and enjoys spending time with her. I am so happy they are close. They definitely have a special relationship

Kisten had her baby!

Yesterday my sister had her baby. Raelyn Faye was born at 2:44 March 7th. She was 6 lbs and 8 oz. What a beautiful little girl. Kisten is having trouble breastfeeding. I hope she does not give up. It is hard to do and not for someone who is not determined to do it. I tried to help her today but I am not sure if she is going to stick with it or not. I hope she does. Ava has never had an ear infection or any major illness because I breastfed. She is a very healthy child. That has not been the case with Tina. I wish I would have tried harder with Tina. I think she needs to keep at it. It gets easier. I believe anyone can breastfed it's determination and practice that makes is possible. I guess I was too damn stubborn to give up. That's me though and breastfeeding is not for everybody. It's not for the people that easily give up or want an easy way out. Once you get the hang of it, it is easier than bottle feeding. It just takes time and patience. The baby does not come out knowing what to do. You have to teach it. Just like you are learning to breastfeed. I cannot wait to do it again. Yeah it's hard at first but so rewarding. You have a bond with your child that you cannot get with bottle feeding. I hope she gets to experience it. If I can do it I know she can. She needs to get stubborn and just do it. But if she decides it's not for her I will support that too. She just needs to be honest and tell me that. Because until she does she has me helping her. Finding ways to help her.

Deep inside I have to tell you, I do not think she will stick with it. She is already giving bottles. She just does not have the determination that it takes. Maybe I am wrong but I am pretty good at telling when a person will do it and not. I hope I am wrong. She really seemed to want to do it til she seen how hard it is to do it. So I guess we will see.

Making shirts for the kids......

Friday was very busy. I had to get up and get Tina ready for school. I had to take her, come home and get Ava ready for my doctor's appointment. That went well. read my pregnancy blog for the details of my appointment. Anyway, we started back from there and then we went to Meijer to get a few things. We then went from Meijers to McDonald for lunch. I so needed a big mac. I ran into my father and we ended up having lunch together. That was nice. I came home and my creative juices just started flowing! I made those shirts above. I got so engrossed in my work I missed phone calls I had to return. That's me though I get way too involved in my projects. I guess I better get started on that baby chandelier.

If you want to know me...........

I always write about my girls and what they are dong. Sometimes I write about passionate issues for me. But one thing I never talk about is my father. Our relationship and how no matter how much I try I can never get him to be the father I need.

The first thing I remember thinking growing up is how the thing I wanted most in the world did not seem possible. I did not have a father. No amount of step fathers or boy friends of my mother's could ever fill that void on my heart. I wanted my Daddy. Then when I was eight I met him. I tried so hard to be close to him. But for some reason he never allowed it. I am not sure if it was his wife who always seemed jealous of me. We had an on and off relationship. He always seems to put me in a different category as his kids with her. I am his daughter but they are his kids. Almost feel like a distant relative. Like I do not really matter to him. This year was the first year that he even invited me over to his house for Christmas. He even gave me a gift for the first time ever. I just am at a loss at this point. We talk on the phone all the time but for some reason it always seems like there are the years over our heads. The years that cannot eve be brought back. I know maybe I am too old to feel like this. I am 25 years old you would think I would be used to it! But no that void is still there and no matter how hard I try I cannot get rid of it. I am still so hurt and so confused about what this man wants from me. I know what I want from him but I am not sure I will ever get it. He is much too concerned about his love life or his toys. He just does not seem to get it. I have no idea how to make him understand.

I guess sometimes in life you do not recieve what you want. Even if that demand  is something as small as just having a dad there for you. Really sad but true. I watch my own daughter go through the same thing. So that is what you need to know about me. If I seem hard on men that are not there for their children that is why. I never want anyone to go through the pain I have. Nobody.

Butterflies and gardens

Spring better be here! I am so sick of snow and cold weather. I am ready for my niece to be here. I am ready for flowers and butterflies.

Speaking of flowers and butterflies. The girls started growing grass in a little animal container.So cute! Yesterday I noticed the grass had taken off. The rest of my flowers have not even sprouted. We planed pansies and some other flowers. Hopefully they grow for us and we have a great garden. I also ordered one of those butterfly things to grow your own butterflies.We are excited for it to come today. UPS guy probably hates me lol. I love Amazon though. Love the fast shipping. 

We are so ready for good weather and all the upcoming births. Everything else that might come with it. Ready for some action!