I hope my husband works......

I am a sucker or maybe I have too much empathy for others. I am not sure which. 

I was texted messaged about Thanksgiving and after seeing my other sister in-law say she was not going, I felt bad for my sister in-law because I know she is going through alot. I gave in. I told her I would go out of compassion and because I did not want to hurt her feelings. I then ask her if she wants me to bring anything. As usual no response. Then, I remember why I did not want to go in the first place. The only thing we have in common is her brother. That's it. She does not want to have a relationship with me. I suspect by the way she treats me that she does not even like me. Hell, I often wonder is she even gives a shit about her brother. She never reaches out or tries to keep in communication. Never rsvps to birthdays. I have tried text messaging and emailing her to cultivate a relationship. No response.

Randy was offered overtime on Thanksgiving. If he gets it, I am not going. I am not going to a function that  is that far away, then putting my kids in danger with my horrible night driving. It also gives me a much needed excuse to not go. I can then have my Thanksgiving at home like I wanted all along.

I guess all my empathy is usually not earned and typically I regret being so nice because it's not even return or appreciated. I don't like feeling that way but it's how things are.

But we don't really have a relationship

Family always amazes me. You have the family you are close to and the family that you see a few times a year. A third type of family may be the type that complains they never see you, and makes little effort to change that situation. 

I have a few types on both sides of my family and honestly it gets old. The complaining is probably my biggest petpeeve especially when I have tried to become close to people. I have asked people's opinion. No response. I email, no response. I text, no response. How the hell do people expect something to change if there is no effort? I have three kids, a husband and I am attending college classes. My time is precious and if you are not willing to give me some of your time, why would I want to give you mine? 

So now I get to the deilema. Thanksgiving. I already started planning on staying home and maybe seeing my sister. Suddenly, my sister- in law wants us to come for Thanksgiving and if we don't she is going to be hurt. Huh? We are suppose to stop doing what we do every year, drive for two hours, and come to a dinner that will be full of adults and childless people. What is there for my kids to do? 

After having all these questions in my head for about a week, I realize that we are not talkng about a nice dinner, we are talking about emotional blackmail. Come to my dinner or I will complain even more. Give me some ammonition for my complaining. 

I am not doing it. If you can't invite us yourself, and present a reason to why we need to change our plans then the answer is respectfully no. And grow up. Trying to guilt someone is a two year old tactic and will be ignored. 

This year like every other year, hubby and I will make our own thanksgiving dinner with our children. We may even venture out for some shopping. No worries and no stress. Just my little family at the dinner table for a end of year feast. 

Social anxiety

Inner voice. The part of you that gives you a sense of self. What if that part of you never has many nice things to say? 

My inner voice is brutal. I never feel good enough. I fell ugly, dumb and most if all in unlikable. 

Where does this come from? 

One person. My mother. She never had anything nice to say. I was always dumb, ugly, a slut, nasty, and never any good. That voice has become mine. I have developed social aniexty because of this. 

I always knew there was something wrong with me more than I am just shy. I avoid people. I avoid eye contact. I order pizza online. I do not have one friend. I think people are judging me. I am afraid if someone knew the real me that they would not like what they find.

You are probably wondering what the problem with all of that is. The problem is loneliness. The problem is how I am missing out on experiences and life. 

I feel like I am in a never-ending cycle of trying, feeling like nobody cares and then withdrawing from life again. 

I am not sure what to do bit I know I have to work on this problem. I think the correction of my inner voice. Let's start right now. 

I am beautiful, creative, I am a great mother, intelligent, a great wife, and I would make someone a great friend. I am worthy of friendship.

Sometimes you just have to freak out but not always....

Sometimes you have to stop hiding all your feelings and tell them as you feel them. Especially when you are in a relationship with someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with.

I finally broke down and told Randy how I was feeling. I even showed him my blog. We have taken the last few weeks to improve our relationship. I hope there is a permanent change this time.

Our anniversary was a great day. He had to work but he went all the way to Columbus to pick up my present. It is a wooden photo album that he can get engraved. I surprised him with dinner and candles. We danced and went to sleep. Yes we were tired. I could not imagine a better anniversary than spending the evening cuddling with the man I love.

6 years and going strong despite the bumps in the road.I am sure there will be more. But both of us are willing to improve.

Have you ever?

Have you ever seen yourself as a doormat? Someone that gives and gives but is always stepped on. That's what I am. A doormat.

I am a giver. I give and go above and beyond for the people I love. People like me are taken advantage of. People like me eventually close up and learn helplessness. I stop hoping that the people in my life will give me the love I give them. I just keep giving and giving.

I know it might sound horrible that I want something back. I want people to feel about me like I feel about them. I don't need things. I need body language, gestures that say " I love you to and you are special to me." Instead I would be better off buying a prepaid phone and texting it the sentiments I feel. I would get the same response. Nothing.

Here I am to my point. My husband who I love with all my heart and soul is one of the people who hurts me the most. I can text him, tell him he is sexy, do special things for him just to see a smile on his face and I never get it in return. I rarely hear a "you're pretty." I told him this and for almost a week I felt so special by his texts messages from work and the love he was giving to me. It was short lived. I thanked him for it everyday. I told him how much it meant to me. But instead of texting me back he decided facebook was a better place to spend his time. I know that if a friend texted him he would be all over it. It's just because it's me that he does not care.

The problem with all of this is I feel like this is a deal breaker for me. I don't want a room-mate. I want a relationship where both parties mutually want to make each other feel special and loved. I don't want to feel like I am alone anymore. I don't want to feel like I am doing all the heavy lifting and if he has time he might pick up a little. If this is going to last things will have to change. I have not been completely happy for awhile and I have ignored it. Told myself I was being clingy and too sensitive. I don't think asking your husband to show you how he feels every now and again is clingy. It's normal. I have had versions of that type of relationship in the past and I miss it. I miss the cheesiness and the romance. I miss dancing and singing. I miss feeling loved. Maybe I have been fooling myself. I don't know. I hate the feelings I am having right now. I really hope I can make him understand and that he will want to do something to make me happier. So far nothing. I hurt.

I have not written in awhile

  I have not written in awhile because my life has become a well oiled machine with tasks that include taking care of kids, and doing college work. I am probably more happy than I have ever been. It's amazing what keeping busy and working toward a goal can do for a person.
  One of my updates is  the fact that I finally picked a major. I guess I knew all along what I wanted to do. I was just to stubborn and worried about failing to actually pursue my passion. I want to be a teacher. Yes, I am back where I started. Sometimes your first thought is the right one and all the second guessing and doubts are life lessons. I am back on the road I started down. I am older, a mother of more kids and married to a supportive husband. I can do this. I have to do this.
 Another update is on my kiddos. Corbin just turned two! I tear up as I type that statement. I cannot believe my baby is no longer a baby. Ava started Kindergarten. I am so proud of her. Tina started middle school. I am amazed by the little women she is becoming and humbled by the fact that she comes to me with her problems like I am her most dearest friend. That's all I ever wanted for my children!
    The last update is on my ever changing situation with my family and Randy's. Randy's mother is still my best friend. I doubt that will ever change. Amanda and I are not close or were ever close like I wanted. She apparently has some hang ups over me not believing the way she does. She did not include my family in her daughters obituary. It was very hurtful to find that out and I am working through what to do next.
     My mother and father are about the same. There is no relationship and has painful as it is someday, I know deep inside that it is what it is. I cannot change anything when they don't want to change. Everyone seems unconnected with my family. I feel like we are by ourselves in this world. The only people we can depend on are the people that live under my roof and my husband's parents. I feel like people on both sides avoid us or blow us off. I hope to correct this problem as my kids grow older but I don't see anything I can really do.Everyone has their own lives and I guess for some it does not include my family.
         My half -sister Cassie and I are not talking. I am sad about that situation probably the most. All I ever wanted was a relationship with her but I don't think it's possible because she cannot accept my atheism. I accept that she is Christian. I am glad that she has a faith that helps her. I wish she would be happy for me finding happiness in living my own life free of dogma and hate. I guess we are too different. She is having a baby in December that I will never know. It's sad to see religion tear families apart. It's sad that people cannot accept others. It's even more sad that people are just a label and not treated as people.
             My husband and I are doing well. I was worried about a women he met at work and we had a little disagreement. It was mainly because he never mentioned her to me. It scared me shitless to think that my husband of six years may be having an inappropriate relationship with someone else. I felt like my life was being stolen from me. Thankfully, it was a misunderstanding. I kind of jumped to conclusions. I should have just trusted him. Sometimes we let old wounds control our lives. This was the case in this situation. I was letting my past control my present.
              In my defense though, he could have told me about her and I would not have been suspicious. It's the fact that he never mentioned her and he was talking to her on FB that concerned me. I am glad we worked through it.
                Randy and I took the bad situation and made it into a wake-up call that we have been way too comfortable lately. We both need to try harder to make the other person feel wanted. We both have been texting more when we are apart and talking more than ever. I think we had a lapse of disconnection due to college and his time consuming job. I really do think we are in a great place right now. 

      So overall, life is great and I could not ask for more. I do wish that the family was more loving and close. Maybe that will come in time. 

Really horrible day

I had a very horrible day. It all started in bed at 6 am in the morning. Once again as usual my husband did not seen interested in sex. All I wanted was to be touched and showed some type of affection after a long week. He just complained of his nose and let me touch him. I get the feeling sometimes that this relationship is not 50/50 in the bedroom. He seems to miss the mark when it comes to knowing what I need. Every time I have tried to bring it up he gets upset so I avoid it now. I am not sure what to do with that situation.

Then, I had to watch my niece. She and my son decided naps were not on the schedule for them. I was cranky and so was my middle child Ava. She did not want to clean her room and wanted to argue about every fucking thing. I just wanted to put her in the car and drop her off at Grandmas! By the time I took my niece home the day was ruined. Everyone was cranky and my husband would barely speak to me.

It does not end there. We went to the store and looked at paint colors and then went to get some food from Aldis. When we got home my computer was broken. My lap top screen was shattered. I was in tears and I wanted to yell but I kept it in and tole my older daughter it was an accident. 74 dollars is the cost of replacement and I need it next week!

After all the dumb shit happened, I decided to eat and then exercise. I feel better now sitting her typing about how fucked up my day is. I however, am worried what is next for my crazy ass evening. I am not sure I want to spend anytime with my husband, to tell you the truth I have been a little disappointed in our relationship and how things are going. I am not sure what happened since we went on a date. Maybe it's my pmdd talking. I hope so.

On a different note, I am back on the weight loss train. You know my diet that I hope to stick to. I know you have heard it before. This time I plan to stick with it. I feel ugly and unattractive. Not to mention I need something to do besides school for me.

Well I am going to attempt to turn this fucking frown upside down. I am not guaranteeing anything!

What is in your purse?

I am sure this type of blog has been done over and over. I however am wanting to add my two cents and make some recomendations of what I hope to start keep in my purse.

I have never been a purse carrier. I am one of those moms that are never prepared. I hope to change that and be more prepared.

Items I think every mom needs in her purse,

1. Wet Wipes. You never know when there is going to be sticky hands, or you are going to get out in public and your child suddenly has a nasty face.

2. Tissues and Napkins- Countless times I have been to a fast food restaurant and they have not given me any napkins. Wet wipes are good for cleaning the child, but a napkin absorbs spills and is a good thing to keep around. Tissues are for older kids who can blow their own nose.

3. Snacks- Raisins, granola bars and any other snack that will keep. This is for the times when my kids are suddenly hungry in the middle of me shopping.

4. Travel sun screen- This is a must. As moms we forget. Admit it, you have too. Who wants to come home early in fear of a sunburn?

5. First Aid kit- I do not know how many times my child has been playing softball and needed a band aid. I am the mother who never has one.

6. Pain relievers for adults- Yes we get headaches too!

7. Lip balm

8. small toys or a few small board books. How many times have I been waiting for 20 minutes at the doctors and wish I had one of these for my toddler? Many more than I want to admit.

9. Extra change of clothes in car- Keep an extra change of clothing in your car in case of emergencies. I was once having adult conversations at an LLL meeting and had to go home early because of an accident.

10. Bug spray- small thing of bug spray is a must! This is will come in handy for those last minute hiking trips

11. Travel deodorant and body spray- My daughter is a preteen, enough said!

12. Gum- A good thing to have for bad breath.

13. Disinfecting wipes- To wipe down carts or if your child comes in contact with something really nasty.

14. Hand sanitizer- I am not big on this but a small bottle could not hurt.

15- Stain remover- Who has ever been out and their child has gotten something on their clothes? I have had this happen to me a bunch.

16. Crayons and small pieces of paper- You know those small tablets? Well those would be perfect to bust boredom.

17. Hair ties and small brush-  I have girls and they always seem to mess up their hair before we get to the store. I touch up would work wonders!

18. Eye glass repair kit- My kids are rough on their glasses.

19. Cell phone- This is a no brainer.

20.  Anti inch cream

21. small lotion

23.  Pen
24. Notepad


Feel free to let me know if I forgot something.

If I could only make a New Years Resolution my ex....

If I could make a New Years resolution for my ex it would include three things. First for him to keep his promises. Second to pay his fucking child support. Third to actually spend time with the child he made . Like he does his little sluts children. If only....

October this year my ex stopped paying his child support. As usual he has not tried to let me know a thing and has promised my kid shit and has not followed through. Who the fuck does that? Promises a child gifts and does not follow through? No birthday gift, and no presents at Christmas AT ALL!

This is what he does instead of having a job...... This is clearly more important than seeing or even supporting his daughter!

I hope he gets fair enough behind so that they put his ass in jail. People that do not see, communicate or give any time to their child should be in jail. That's the only place scum like him deserve to be. Get a job fucker and stop sword fighting! Be an adult and take care of your responsibilities!

This is what her step father does to take care of her.  He helps her with homework, reads to her, and is there everyday. Sure he has hobbies like her bio dad but he always pays for her and is there for her at the same time. He even coached her tee-ball team to spend more time with her. If he did not have a job, he would not be sword fighting, he would be looking for one. That's what a father does. My daughter and I are very lucky to have him!