Have you ever?

Have you ever seen yourself as a doormat? Someone that gives and gives but is always stepped on. That's what I am. A doormat.

I am a giver. I give and go above and beyond for the people I love. People like me are taken advantage of. People like me eventually close up and learn helplessness. I stop hoping that the people in my life will give me the love I give them. I just keep giving and giving.

I know it might sound horrible that I want something back. I want people to feel about me like I feel about them. I don't need things. I need body language, gestures that say " I love you to and you are special to me." Instead I would be better off buying a prepaid phone and texting it the sentiments I feel. I would get the same response. Nothing.

Here I am to my point. My husband who I love with all my heart and soul is one of the people who hurts me the most. I can text him, tell him he is sexy, do special things for him just to see a smile on his face and I never get it in return. I rarely hear a "you're pretty." I told him this and for almost a week I felt so special by his texts messages from work and the love he was giving to me. It was short lived. I thanked him for it everyday. I told him how much it meant to me. But instead of texting me back he decided facebook was a better place to spend his time. I know that if a friend texted him he would be all over it. It's just because it's me that he does not care.

The problem with all of this is I feel like this is a deal breaker for me. I don't want a room-mate. I want a relationship where both parties mutually want to make each other feel special and loved. I don't want to feel like I am alone anymore. I don't want to feel like I am doing all the heavy lifting and if he has time he might pick up a little. If this is going to last things will have to change. I have not been completely happy for awhile and I have ignored it. Told myself I was being clingy and too sensitive. I don't think asking your husband to show you how he feels every now and again is clingy. It's normal. I have had versions of that type of relationship in the past and I miss it. I miss the cheesiness and the romance. I miss dancing and singing. I miss feeling loved. Maybe I have been fooling myself. I don't know. I hate the feelings I am having right now. I really hope I can make him understand and that he will want to do something to make me happier. So far nothing. I hurt.