Social anxiety

Inner voice. The part of you that gives you a sense of self. What if that part of you never has many nice things to say? 

My inner voice is brutal. I never feel good enough. I fell ugly, dumb and most if all in unlikable. 

Where does this come from? 

One person. My mother. She never had anything nice to say. I was always dumb, ugly, a slut, nasty, and never any good. That voice has become mine. I have developed social aniexty because of this. 

I always knew there was something wrong with me more than I am just shy. I avoid people. I avoid eye contact. I order pizza online. I do not have one friend. I think people are judging me. I am afraid if someone knew the real me that they would not like what they find.

You are probably wondering what the problem with all of that is. The problem is loneliness. The problem is how I am missing out on experiences and life. 

I feel like I am in a never-ending cycle of trying, feeling like nobody cares and then withdrawing from life again. 

I am not sure what to do bit I know I have to work on this problem. I think the correction of my inner voice. Let's start right now. 

I am beautiful, creative, I am a great mother, intelligent, a great wife, and I would make someone a great friend. I am worthy of friendship.

Sometimes you just have to freak out but not always....

Sometimes you have to stop hiding all your feelings and tell them as you feel them. Especially when you are in a relationship with someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with.

I finally broke down and told Randy how I was feeling. I even showed him my blog. We have taken the last few weeks to improve our relationship. I hope there is a permanent change this time.

Our anniversary was a great day. He had to work but he went all the way to Columbus to pick up my present. It is a wooden photo album that he can get engraved. I surprised him with dinner and candles. We danced and went to sleep. Yes we were tired. I could not imagine a better anniversary than spending the evening cuddling with the man I love.

6 years and going strong despite the bumps in the road.I am sure there will be more. But both of us are willing to improve.