Randy had a very good birthday. He woke up with the day off which was nice. We ate a big breakfast as a family. I went to work for awhile and then we went shopping. I came home and cooked two really big cheese cakes. I really loved cooking them. Then Randy and I cleaned up the house and picked up my sister. Kisten and her boyfriend came over. Kind of awkward but I got through it. Then my cousin came over and we all had a great time eating and talking. I felt like I had some family. I have not felt that good about family in a long time. I really appreciated them all coming over to celebrate with us.
Sometimes Randy and I feel like we do not have much family that we can depend on besides his mother and father. It was nice to see that I have some family that love me and want to spend time with me. Family that I know will be there and love me for me. There are no conditions. I do not have to do what they want or suffer the consequences. Family that does not want to run my life. Healthy relationships. That is what I want. That is what I need right now. I have spent my whole life with toxic relationships. I deserve better and I will not accept anything less than that. If this upsets people than so be it.
If I was to let myself feel all the pain I feel inside I would have a nervous breakdown. I almost did on Saturday evening. I found some way out of it. I have all these issues eating at me. I have the whole not having parents issue, Randy's family issues, my grandpa dieing ( one year anniversary) and always trying to do the right thing. Trying to please everyone. I spent a good part of the evening crying and feeling sick to my stomach. I love my family but I have to do what is best for me. I have to protect me. I cannot allow people to hurt me anymore. I seriously cannot take it anymore. So if I have to keep people at a distance then so be it. I can no longer accept mental abuse from family members. I can no longer be put down and down graded. I am a person and I deserve respect. So if for some reason I do not spend time with you it is because I am trying to have a better healthy life.
Five years ago I was a different person and I would put up with it. I am not that person anymore. I am a person that expects people to treat me the way I treat them. No better no less. I do not think that is too much to ask. I want acceptance. I want to be able to trust people. I want people to be loyal to me. I need understanding. I need people to want to love me not to hurt me. Seems like when it comes to family that is what everyone is out to do. So if I am not too keen on family then you should understand I have never truly experienced family. Every time I have tried I have been hurt. I tried with Jeff's family. I tried with Randy's. All that has bit me in my ass. I intend now to focus on what I already have. Focus on the things that are working. I have a good relationship with several of my cousins and with my sister. My mother in law and father in law are my best friends. They are my support system. Then I have my dad. We are working on things. I hope someday to be able to have a great relationship with him. keeping my fingers crossed. He is the closest thing I have to a parent. I have to accept that and embrace it. I will never have anything better than that.
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